.... has come and almost gone.  i was thinking last night while i was baking some desserts for today about family and get togethers.  and about the masks we wear in life.  i am done with the masks, yet if you stop wearing one and actually interact in honesty with people they really can't handle it.  so i just don't get into conversations with some people.  it isn't worth listening to their lifestyle choices and they really don't want to know what i think anyways.  i sit and pray sometimes. 
or tonight as i washed dishes for my mother in law as it was raining outside i overheard conversations.  and i prayed.  what is it about some people that they are so bent on impressing other people?  or they must put other people down to make sure everyone knows what they think?  i do not get it. 
and i think of those with nothing.  do they wonder where Christ is in this season?  of people getting up at 2am to go shopping for a holiday that isn't about shopping?  of all the flyers we get in our newspaper for stuff to buy at cheap prices.  is it things i truly need?  why?  when the economy is soooo horribly bad and so many are without jobs.  why?  i am bogged in thought sometimes. 

...... of turkey and stuffing and sweet potatoes and turkey cutout cookies and pumpkin pie and mincemeat pie and football and parades and getting together with family we don't always like and just taking time to say Thank you Lord for what You have given me.  may I be thankful for the rest of the days.... and know He is with me in the good and the difficult.  DON'T EAT TOO MUCH THIS WEEK!!!

It has been a crazy week... but do I say that every week??  ha ha ha!!    This week tho..... several things happened.  In my class I had one of the Seniors from my very first class come and speak to both juniors and seniors.  I'm not sure she did any good in the senior class, but she scared the junior class.  The thing is.... it was amazing to see this young woman that I had for only one year... who is now a nursing student... a very good nursing student, who was rather like all my students of today ~ didn't study, didn't read anything, didn't really care ~ is getting all A's and is doing extremely well.  Not because of anything I did, but because of who she is. I miss those 8 students in that Senior class. 
The other most major life altering event .....  I had a meeting with a mediator and my mother.  I didn't want to talk about the past or her marriage to a homeless alcoholic that is 18 years younger than her or what it was like growing up with her.  I needed to speak to her about one thing.  The mediator was her minister.  I figured my mother would be more comfortable with someone she knew.  We had the meeting at her church.  My mother hasn't spoken to me in four years.  She didn't go to any of Em's games or plays or anything in her last two years of high school.  She didn't go to em's graduation and when she came to her party (which we had invited her and her husband to everything) she came, stayed for 20 minutes, didn't speak to me and told em she couldn't stay where she wasn't wanted.  She is a very sad person. 
back to the meeting.... we met.  I said what I needed to say.  She made a few comments, the minister asked for clarification.  It lasted 20 minutes.  and now.... I know.  Not only is my father dead (truly for 30 years he has been gone) but my mother is also gone... which means all of my family is gone.  And I am actually okay with this.  My therapy of several years ago I dealt with so much of this... all of the past and growing up and everything. And I knew then that my  mother was gone.  Strange how life ends up. 
I never pictured this in a million bazillion years.  never never never. 
So from now on... every holiday every birthday every celebration every happenstance ~ will be without her. I cannot imagine making this choice.  That she chooses to believe I am 'the evil one' .... and it brings me back to the Person I am to depend on for everything.  every bit of my existence, every blessing i have been given, everything.  i need only Him... Christ is the One... and I am so very thankful for Him.

I had a conversation with my mom today.  Wellll... not exactly a conversation.  It is long complicated and sad.  What is it about family?  Never in a million years would I have predicted this.  I am the adult...she is still 17 on the inside, a pregnant teenager waiting to be the center of attention.  Expecting to get her way every time and making sure the other person is at fault.  It is all my fault ~ and that is okay. 

I have been busy this past week... with work, and home and especially garden.  The crazy warm weather this week in north central Ohio allowed us to get leaves mowed and on the garden, the rest of the flowers cut down, the clematis is trimmed for spring, the roses are covered as are the rest of the beds.  If the rain holds off today I will take some leaves and get them on the asparagus bed and the elderberries.  I need to get new table/chair covers before the snow fall comes.
and in the back of my mind is the brokenness of life. I have an intense week this week.  with issues and people.  kind of like this crazy weather we have here.  will it be sunny or snowy?? or cloudy and rainy?  watching what i say, how i react, and what i show .... unlike the weather that does what it wants when it wants. 

the urgency of life overwhelms me today.  what is it about people and expectations and the need of 'need'. 

wellll... if you didn't know about it there was a telecast today with John and Stasi Eldredge... my hubby and i were there at our church.  there were 19 couples there and it was a good day.  i had read the book as did sam, but the telecast was good too.  makes one think about life, loves, relationships.  about the Creator of the universe and His love for me.  for all of us. 
and tonight we get to turn the clocks back! oh... and we got a new water bed last night!!!  i love it..... i love it.  firm, warm, doesn't move too much.... really really nice. and tonight i get an extra hour in it!!  very very excited!!  more tomorrow!

Incline my heart to You, not to prideful gain or any false motive.
(Psalm 119:36)
Open my eyes to behold wonderful things in Your Word. (Psalm 119:18)
Unite my heart to fear Your name. (Psalm 86:11)
Satisfy me with Your steadfast love. (Psalm 90:14)

got this from a friend.  i am trying to get it inside of me..... at the heart/soul/spirit level.  that i might truly incline and open and unite and be satisfied.  with His Word.  His Grace.  His Life for mine.  no matter what happens. no matter who doesn't like me.  no matter what.

i don't like Halloween.  it is actually All Hallows Eve.  it is not about ghouls, ghosts, witches, warlocks.... tricking, treating.... it is about remembering those that have gone before us.  Martin Luther.... the thesis in Wittenburg ~ the revival of the Holy Spirit coming into Europe and awakening the church from its drudgery.  it is about life, not about death. it is about praying, not about cursing.  it is about being thankful for the blessing of the Fall harvest, not about smashing what was harvested. 
Quaking oat grass in my garden in the Fall.

oh yes.... i have students slashing tires on another student's car.  i want to scream.  i absolutely hate all this drama crap.  what is a teacher supposed to do?????